I think that perhaps, taken together, all the little thoughts I have been having about my life might add up to something worth mentioning. But I had a twelve hour workday today, I am tired, and I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with Scott, brainstorming about the movie ("The Flautist") we are apparently making when Chelle and I go down to Florida. (I wonder that perhaps our styles and creative visions may not mesh; mine is more "Takeshi Kitano meets Garden State", and his is more "Wes Anderson on Valium and psychedelic mushrooms." We did manage a plot, theme, and a whole mess of characterization, though. Time will tell.)
Today I had my very first flat tire ever, on the way to work. Sans cell phone, no less.
Yesterday I found one of my old journals. Shouldn't I have an advantage on the guy who wrote them? And yet it seems I could learn from him, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.
I have decided to apply to Notre Dame, amongst perhaps some other American grad schools.
And yet, I am less certain about grad school than I have been. Or at least, more willing to be less certain. I don't want to simply be trying to buy time, delaying the unfortunate inevitability of decision. Or going by default, because I see nothing else. ("I guess I will go to grad school." "I suppose I will teach."--my words.) I want to be willing to say "I don't know", and accept the future as a blank canvas that God and I have to go about filling in.
I haven't the foggiest what I might do instead, or what may be out there for me, but I will never see anything staring at my feet. Expanding my options, me. And it may very well be in the end I find myself right back here, and going off to Oxford or Notre Dame, but it will be for the right reasons, and because I chose it. "The end of all our exploring," said Eliot,"will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
I could live with that.
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2 comments:
I am always slightly confused when people quote "Eliot" as I am not sure whether they are speaking from George or T.S.
In other news...I think your plan to go to grad school is fine, even though you're not sure you want to teach. You know that you want to learn, and you can always change midstream. Correct?
Ah. Yes. Well, as much as I respect the talent of the female Eliot, with me it is usually safe to assume I am referring to the male.
Regarding grad school: I agree. Even in a worst-case scenario, I will go for a year, decide it is not for me, and drop out. (Goodness, how I hate the sound of that last part. Shall we say exeunt instead?)
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